A tidal wave hit me again. I feel knocked on my back, the wave rushing over me so quickly that when I try to catch my breath all I get are lungs full of water. The only thing I can say is “I trust You. I trust You. You are good. You are loving. I can trust You.”
These waves come at strange times. As I’m driving or grocery shopping. Just now it was as I was washing dishes. A tidal wave of loneliness or doubt or fear, anything that reminds me that this world is not my home. I brace myself against the kitchen counter. How bad is it going to be this time?
Honestly, it’s really hard to trust You in those moments. It’s hard to believe that You are good or loving. You really feel more harsh, cold, distant, cruel. Hope and light feel like they give way to darkness as the waves keep crashing. Another. Then another. Hope that once seemed so bright is dim.
I could try to struggle, to fight the waves and the current but all that does is leave me exhausted and frustrated. I could be tossed about, wave to wave, yelling at You and asking why You would let this happen. But all that does is leave me angry with a hardened and bitter heart. Neither get me anywhere or do any good.
So, I stop. I stop and let the waves hit. I embrace every drop of water. I feel the impact as I hit the ground. I don’t run from the wave or try to fight it. I embrace the torrent ride before me.
Aren’t You the One who commanded the winds and the waves to cease with just a few words? Aren’t You the One who parted seas to lead Your people to safety only to have it crash down on their enemies? Aren’t You the One who spoke the world into existence creating something out of nothing? If You wanted the wave to stop You would have stopped it.
But no, You have a plan in these waves. With each one You are taking me somewhere I could never go if the water was still and placid.
And that is what gives me hope. Not that the storm will end, though I know it will. Not that I’ll end up somewhere better, though I know I will. What gives me hope is You. If I didn’t know You are the One in control, that You are the One holding me when all strength and will has left me, that even when hope feels the dimmest it is still as bright as ever, then I would be done for, swallowed whole by the wave. In this storm I know You are with me. Even in the roughest moments when I can’t see You, You still see me. More than that, You are holding me. This storm rips away anything I could have ever taken refuge in and leaves me with You. It’s You, me and this torrent sea.
But it’s here that I experience the fierce, jealous, all-consuming love You have for me. And it’s that love, that assurance, that allows me to curl up, close my eyes and rest.
I don’t know how many more waves will come crashing. I don’t know where these waves are taking me. But I know You–that You are both good and sovereign, that You’ll never leave me and that You are completely worthy of my trust.
But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”